When I eventually managed to speak, I shook my head, staring resolutely out of the front windscreen. “I don’t think I can do that.”
He gripped my chin, turning my head to face him. I was so lucky that my sunglasses were dark. “Why not?” Hurt threaded through his tone. “You’re my best friend, E. You’re the one person I trust to advise me on this kind of shit.”
I couldn’t tell him the full truth, that the thought of helping him out was the worst and best torture I could ever think of, so I admitted something to him that I knew he was already aware of. “Remember that I’m nowhere near as experienced as you. Please don’t ask me to do this.” My cheeks heated, although I knew it was nothing to be embarrassed about. It wasn’t like there was a rush to do anything, and I’d never been interested in casual sex. I needed an emotional connection. Kisses, yes, and even very occasional handjobs and blowjobs in a darkened corner or the club loos, but anything intimate…actually baring myself to someone…I’d never been able to contemplate that with anyone. Anyone except my best friend.
His brow furrowed as he pursed his lips. “Maybe we can both try this out together. Be each other’s wingmen?”
“No.” My tone was final. Abso-fucking-lutely not.
Sliding his thumb across my jaw, he gave me a soft look that was almost too much. “Sorry, E. I would never push you to do something you’re uncomfortable with. I know that you’re not into casual…like I am, I guess. I just want you to be happy.”
I pulled back from his touch, unclipping my seat belt. There was only one thing I needed right now, and that was to get out of the car and away from my best friend so I could get my head around everything he’d just disclosed and regroup.
The second I was out and slamming the door behind me, I exhaled shakily. How had everything gone so wrong in the space of a few days?
Ander’s door also slammed, and then a few seconds later, I was wrapped in his arms, my face buried in his shoulder. My sunglasses were digging into the side of my nose painfully, but I didn’t attempt to move. Instead, I sighed, accepting the warmth of his hug. “I am happy,” I mumbled. “I just can’t be what you need me to be.”
His arms briefly tightened around me. “Say no more. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you.” Releasing me, he studied me for a second with his brows pulled together before his expression cleared. He flashed me a quick grin. “Don’t even worry about it. I’ll talk to JJ instead.”
Great.
“And now I don’t know what to do.” I sank back into the sofa with a groan.
“This is a mess.” My friend and neighbour, Noah, gave me a sympathetic smile. “The whole thing with him wanting to experiment with guys—that’s…surprising.”
“Yeah.” Rubbing my hand over my face, I sighed. “He made it clear that he wasn’t interested in experimenting with me when he asked me to help him out. The kiss that meant everything to me opened up a whole new world for him, and now as well as girls, I’m gonna have to see him parading boys around in front of me. And I know I’ll compare myself to them, as much as I’ll try not to.”
Noah sat in silence for a minute. “Okay. There are two ways you can play this. You can tell Ander how you feel about him.” He held up his hand when I went to speak. “Or you can accept that this is going to happen, and you make a real effort to get over him. Because the way I see it, you’re going to be seriously miserable if you just carry on as you are and he starts bringing boys home. I know you, and I know that it’s going to tear you apart.”
“I can’t tell him how I feel. It’s too much, and what he feels for me is completely platonic. I mean, look. The best fucking kiss of my life, and the only effect it had on him was to make him wonder if he should start kissing other guys!” My voice was rising, and I took a deep breath, making an effort to calm myself. “I need to get over him. That’s it. I’ve been pining for him for way too long. What should I do? Download Grindr?”
“Noooo.” Noah shook his head. “You need to ease yourself into it, and I don’t think you’d…you don’t want casual, do you? You need something else. I’m not an expert—look at what happened with Liam—but we can talk to Preston or JJ? See if they have any ideas?”
“Did someone say my name?” Noah’s boyfriend, Liam, sauntered into the room and threw himself down on the sofa next to Noah. He eyed me with suspicion, to which I rolled my eyes. Even though it was clear to anyone with half a brain that Noah was completely in love with him, he still sometimes acted like I was competition or something. He was a little possessive of Noah, but Noah seemed to enjoy it for some reason.
“Yeah. Me.” Noah smiled at him, and Liam immediately melted, leaning across to kiss his boyfriend. The way he looked at him—so soft, like he’d do anything for Noah…
I wanted that so badly. With one person, and one person only.
I had to get away. Rising to my feet, I cleared my throat.
“I’ll work on what we discussed. Thanks, Noah.”
Liam broke away from Noah, staring up at me. I could easily read the question in his eyes, but he remained quiet, which I appreciated. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to tell him some of it. “I want something like you two have. I want to date, at least. Noah talked me out of Grindr.”
An expression came over Liam’s face, a combination of understanding and empathy. “Talk to JJ. He knows everyone,” he suggested. “But tell him if he fucks anything up for you, he’s got me to deal with.”
“Thanks.” I was oddly touched. “I’ll do that.”
As I let myself out of number 3 and made my way next door to my house, number 1, I suddenly remembered that Ander had told me he was also going to talk to JJ.
JJ wasn’t an option. It was time for me to take matters into my own hands and find a way to get over my best friend.
4
“JJ!” I lifted my hand in greeting from my position at a table inside the waterfront bar where we’d arranged to meet. My housemate and fellow student was dressed down in a canary-yellow LSU hoodie and tight jeans, with the chunky, black-framed glasses that he normally wore for studying perched on his nose. But even dressed down, there was something about him that drew attention.
“Ander.” He gracefully lowered himself into the chair that was placed perpendicular to mine. “What’s all this about? You were very cryptic in your text.”
“I need some advice.”
“It’ll cost you.” Flicking his gaze towards the bar, he frowned in thought. “Hmm. To start with, I’d like a rhubarb and sage spritz. Make sure they don’t use the cheap gin.”
“A what?” The worst thing about being friends with someone who worked in the VIP section of a club was that he had developed expensive and sometimes completely random tastes in alcohol. “Never mind. I’ll go now.” Muttering “rhubarb and sage spritz” under my breath, I made my way to the bar.
When I returned with what I hoped was the drink he wanted, plus a craft beer for me, I leaned my elbows on the table, meeting his gaze. “I kissed Elliot, and—”